Ken and Joe at the Movies
by Sue
Summary: Just a little fluff-what if Ken and Joe hosted a movie review show? Written in 1997, so the movie references are a bit dated.
1. Default Chapter Title

KEN AND JOE AT THE MOVIES  
  
TITLE GRAPHIC: yellow background, title across the top, Ken and Joe's non-birdstyle heads at the bottom. Ken is smiling blandly, Joe has a feather shuriken in his mouth. Tinkly piano rendition of Hooray for Hollywood'.  
  
TITLE CARD FADES TO MOVIE REVIEW SET  
  
(lights come up on the movie review set: raised dais with two director's chairs, large prop strip of film hanging behind them. Two decorative standing kleig lights in background.  
Joe and Ken are seated in the chairs, in their civilian clothes. Ken is sitting very formally, hands folded, legs crossed. Joe is rather sprawled in his chair and holds a half-empty bottle of Red Dog.)  
  
JOE:Hey, how's it hangin', I'm Joe Asakura-  
  
KEN: And I'm Ken Washio, and I'd like to welcome you to our show, where we review the latest American films. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for our recent three-week absence, and to state that it was due to personal matters and NOT to the huge rampaging puppy mecha that devastated half of Utoland and killed thousands of people, threatening at last the very security of the entire planet, which was finally stopped by that incredible Science Ninja Team Gatchaman.  
  
JOE: Puppies-uuurgh. (takes huge swig out of bottle)  
  
KEN: I'd also like to apologize for the dim lighting this week, as Joe has unfortunately developed a strange aversion to bright lights. Now my partner leads off with our first film, My Best Friend's Wedding.  
  
JOE: Thanks, you bastard. OK, this film stars Julia Roberts as a woman trying to stop this guy from marrying this other girl. I didn't like this movie cuz it was totally unrealistic in several ways: first, there was not one decent explosion, and second, none of the women turn out to be robots or try to kill the guy.  
  
KEN: I think that kind of stuff only happens to you, Joe.  
  
JOE:Yeah? Well, what'd you think, Mr. Normal Stable Relationship?  
  
KEN: I agree that it was unrealistic, but only because the guy was looking for a wife in the first place. Relationships only get in the way of a man's true duty to defend the security of the world from rampaging mechas and distract him from his real responsibility to his job. Women just get in the way.  
  
JOE: Yeah, well, what about Jun, then?  
  
KEN: (pause) Jun's a woman?  
  
JOE: You're a dead man, Ken. Kay, our next flick is the new Disney film , which is about the ancient Greek superhero. I thought this film sucked, too, although the monsters at the end were cool, even if they didn't have machine guns mounted on their shoulders. Plain fact is, Hercules thinks he's some bad-ass superhero, but he has no enhanced cellular structure, no cool toys to cream the bad guys with, and wears the exact same outfit when he's fighting as when he's at home. Dumb bastard. (takes another drink)  
  
KEN: Well, Joe, I again agree with you that this film was disappointing, although my quibble was with the drawing. Hercules does not look like an action hero. He has no neck, his torso is huge, and he's too bulky. As we all know, true superheroes are very slim and evenly proportioned. I found the bizarre artwork to be completely unrealistic, if not downright disturbing, especially when the characters did unusual things like talk and move at the same time. And the actors' words and mouth movements actually matched up, a feature which I found very distracting.  
  
JOE: The chick was cute, but I got enough problems.  
  
KEN: Our final film is Men in Black, starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. This is a wonderfully accurate film about a man's devotion to his cause and the irresistible and overriding emotion of duty. I am pleased to report that the filmmakers did an excellent job of portraying the subject realistically, as there is not one major female part in this picture, thus sparing the men from unnecessary distractions from their sworn duties.   
  
JOE: This flick rocked for me, too, tho at first I was kinda disappointed cuz there weren't very many explosions, but then they hauled out these badass guns and I thought, Shit, this is my kinda movie. Then at the end there's this honking big badass explosion that made up for the lack of anything blowing up earlier. Guess we both agree on all our films, Ken, so we won't be beating each other up this week.  
  
KEN: I think we satisfied our audience's bloodlust with that altercation over Austin Powers...  
  
(Suddenly Joe grabs his head, shrieks and spins violently out of his chair, crashing to the ground off-camera, where his gurgling and flailing continue to be heard. Ken looks startled and concerned; the screen is filled with a Please Stand By sign)  
  
KEN: Um, okay, Joe's taking a break now, so I'd like to remind our viewers to tune in next week for our monthly edition of Katse's Klassics. This month our special guest Berg Katse takes a look at one of his favorite classic movies, The Crying Game.  
  
(The sign disappears. Joe is back at his seat, disheveled; his shirt has been turned completely around.)  
  
JOE: Uh, sorry about that, uh, guys, just a delayed reaction to The Beautician and the Beast...  
  
(a very faint explosion is heard. No reaction from Ken or Joe.)  
  
KEN: OK, let's review our opinions of the films we looked at this week...  
  
(close-up of a picture of Julia Roberts tacked to a wall appears)  
  
KEN: Neither of us liked My Best Friend's Wedding, starring Julia Roberts...  
  
(A feather shuriken zips in from off-camera, burying itself between Julia's eyes)  
  
(Similar picture of Disney's Hercules, preferably a goofy-looking one)  
  
JOE: We both thought also blowed...  
  
(Hercules gets a feather shuriken between the eyes as well)  
  
(Similar picture of Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith in Men in Black pose)  
  
KEN: But we each loved Men in Black, starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, so it gets the coveted Golden Shuriken...  
  
(Tommy and Will each get a golden shuriken between the eyes)  
  
(Cut back to Ken and Joe)  
  
(Another faint explosion, slightly louder. Neither of them notices.)  
  
KEN: And now here's Joe with K and J's Video Pick of the Week.  
  
JOE: K and J's Video Pick of the Week is the musical , starring that randy babe Madonna. I thought this was a good flick, if only cuz it's the first one I've seen in a long time where the chick DOES turn out to be a robot. Well, okay, they never actually SAY she's a robot, but I think her acting implies it pretty damn heavily. And I know we don't usually do this with the videos, but cuz we've had so many requests...  
  
(Close-up shot of Madonna picture on the wall. It is immediately peppered with a mass of shuriken. The camera returns to Joe and Ken.)  
  
KEN: Thank you, Joe. This concludes this week's show.  
  
(Louder explosion. Lights rock a bit. Startled, Joe glances off. Ken doesn't move but his eyes dart a bit nervously.)  
  
KEN: Uh-next week, along with Berg Katse (louder explosion: one of the standing kleig lights totters, then crashes to the floor) we'll be looking at the film career of Jackie Chan (muffled thumping from outside, more explosions, one half of the film strip prop detaches and the strip starts to swing around) and review his latest movie, The Stunt That Almost Killed Me. (Their wrist communicators go off)  
  
(Address card flashes on the screen)  
  
JOE: (barely heard above cacophony of explosions and mechanical roars) Anyone wantin' to send us their comments can contact our bad asses at:  
  
Ken and Joe At The Movies  
1500 Cover Job Ave  
Alibi City, Utoland, 24601  
  
(Long, noisy pause. Address card finally disappears to reveal wrecked set. The camera is now at a distinct tilt and the overhead lights are now wildly swaying. Ken and Joe, now in Birdstyle, sit amid the carnage. Joe still clutches the beer bottle. The outside explosions continue.)  
  
KEN: Hi, I'm Gatchaman. Ken and Joe had to leave, so they asked us to tell our-uh, their viewers to grab their radios, get in their cellars and cover their heads until this latest threat to global security passes.  
  
JOE: See ya next week, maybe. (Takes a drink) Shit, this job is gonna kill me...  
  
(Ken and Joe At The Movies graphic fills the screen, so we no longer see the set. Tinkly movie-show music. Under it all we still hear them moving around, explosions, etc. Ken's wrist communicator beeps loudly)  
  
KEN: We're coming, goddammit!  
  
THE END  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

MORE KEN AND JOE AT THE MOVIES  
  
TITLE GRAPHIC: yellow background, title across the top, Ken and Joe's non-birdstyle heads at the bottom. Ken is smiling blandly, Joe has a feather shuriken in his mouth. Tinkly piano rendition of Hooray for Hollywood'.  
  
(Fade up on a booth at the Snack J. Ken sits on one side, arguing with Jun who is offscreen; Joe sprawls on the other side, leg up on the back of the seat, chewing a toothpick. Two empty bottles of Black Label sit in front of him. He is wearing sunglasses. Nobody has yet realized that the camera is on.)  
  
KEN: Whattya mean, you can't find him? I told you to keep an eye on him!  
  
JUN: Look, Ken, today's his day off, and when I got up he was gone! I think he went to the arcade...  
  
KEN: Well, try to find him, OK? I don't need him going after Katse while he's here.  
  
JUN: I'd be more worried about Joe if I were you...  
  
KEN: Joe's OK, I bought him a couple of beers.  
  
JOE: I don't have to sit next to that bastard, do I?  
  
JUN:What's Katse doing here, anyway?  
  
KEN: It wasn't my idea! The TV station likes him! He brings in the ratings! I don't like it either but-  
  
RYU: (from off-screen) Uh, guys, the camera's on.  
  
KEN:Oh-(quickly, to Jun) Just find him, OK? (to camera; quick smile) Hello and welcome to this week's Ken and Joe at the Movies. I'm Ken Washio...  
  
JOE: And I'm Joe Asakura, how the hell are ya.  
  
KEN: First, a word of explanation. As you all know, three weeks ago our city was devastated by a huge rabbit mecha controlled by the evil Galactor organization. Unfortunately, our studio was destroyed in the initial assault, and we were unable to return to the air while the menace rampaged. However, thanks to the incredible heroics of the Science Ninja Team Gatchaman-which we are definitely NOT linked to, even though its leader looks, talks and acts just like me-anyway, thanks to them the crisis is passed, and the world is safe to review movies in once more. This week we are coming to you from the Snack J, a local snack bar and grill where you'll enjoy fine casual dining, especially now that the karaoke machine's broken. This week we will also be speaking to our special guest (he twitches involuntarily) Berg Katse, who's back with another version of Katse's Klassics. However, due to the rabbit mecha's assault, we will have to postpone our scheduled look at the career of Jackie Chan, as we lacked time to adequately prepare the material.  
  
JOE: (smiles, does Elmer Fudd voice) We were hunting wabbits. Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.  
  
KEN: Anyway, welcome to the show. Joe?  
  
JOE: Thanks a lot, Bambi-Boy. Kay, we'll only be checking out one flick this week, since the mecha creamed all the theaters in town except for the CineShowcase on Eighth and Chestnut, and our cheap-ass producer won't pay for us to go out of town. So this week we-or, rather, I, since SOMEbody couldn't be pried away from debriefing long enough to do his damn homework- will be reviewing Katie and Her Kittens.  
  
KEN: What was it, a kiddie film?  
  
JOE: No, Ken, actually it was first-class porn. The CineShowcase is a porno house.  
  
KEN: WHAT?!  
  
JOE: Our story begins at Katie's School for Girls-  
  
KEN: Hold it!  
  
(Joe stops, looks at Ken wordlessly in expectant exasperation)  
  
KEN: Our producer is NOT going to let us review a porno flick!  
  
JOE: Don't know why not, hell, he seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was. Well, the part I saw, anyway. (Looking back at the camera) So anyway, Katie's this chick with these huge-  
  
KEN: Wait a minute-you didn't see the whole thing?  
  
JOE: (uncomfortable with the subject) Um-well, no, after a while my vision got all blurry-and the bright screen started bothering me-and, uhh-   
  
(Joe goes quiet. Ken gets suspicious.)  
  
KEN: You had another headache, didn't you?  
  
JOE: No! Well, okay, yeah. I mean, it was nothing serious, but the manager said my screaming was bothering the audience, so they threw me out-right in the middle of the shower scene, too, dammit-  
  
KEN: Does this have anything to do with the eight empty Tylenol bottles in our bathroom trash can?  
  
JOE:Look, I'm OK now, there's nothing to worry about, so shut the hell up about it, OK?   
  
(Looks away, huffing angrily. Ken puts a forceful hand on Joe's shoulder)  
  
KEN :Damn you,Joe, will you just admit there's something wrong and get some help! You're endangering the team!  
  
JOE: (Looks back at him) Um-what team, Ken?  
  
KEN: (remembers the camera) Oh-um, I mean, you don't want to have another attack while we're...uh, reviewing movies. I'm not sure you should be...reviewing movies...for a while.  
  
JOE: (gets pissed off, jumps up, somewhat hindered by the booth table) You bastard! You wouldn't!  
  
KEN: (also jumps up and encounters the same problem) Joe - ow! - global security depends on our ability to act together and review movies in a tightly coordinated manner! I won't have your pride interfering with our mission!  
  
JOE: Listen, you stuck-up little snot-nosed creep, I can still review movies better than any asshole on the block! Nobody on the team wants to review movies more than me, and I'm not gonna stop reviewing movies until every Galactor agent on the f---ing planet is nothing but a steaming pile of SHIT! (catches himself, looks at camera) Oh-uh, that's show-biz talk, folks...  
  
KEN: Looks like it's time for a word from our one and only sponsor. We'll be right back. (to Joe) Look, we'll just skip the movie this week, OK? Why don't you go to the counter and take five, man...  
  
JOE: Yeah, right, whatever...I think I need s'more Black Label... (goes off camera)  
  
KEN: And now a word from Nambu-Pamby Eyewear.  
  
(Title card: Pink background, drawing of Nambu's stemless glasses in the center. Across the top: NAMBU-PAMBY EYEWEAR. Across the bottom: THE BEST IN EYEGLASSES WITH NO VISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT. Fade in on Nambu sitting in his office.)  
  
NAMBU: Hello, I'm Dr. Nambu, and although you can't tell by my expression, I'm thrilled as all get-out to present the latest designs from the professionals here at Nambu-Pamby.  
  
(Nambu's image is replaced by a series of title cards bearing eyeglass designs, all without stems)  
  
NAMBU: (voice-over) Our technicians have developed a remarkable adhesive which gently but firmly secures our glasses to the wearer's nose. This adhesive, Katzy Glue, is strong enough to adhere, yet will not abrade the skin of the wearer. These glasses are guaranteed not to lose their grip, whether you're jogging, swimming, playing sports, getting kidnapped, being attacked by freaky 100-foot-tall robots, getting shot in the back of the head, lying in a coma, yelling at your charges, giving important scientific lectures, or in extremely rare instances, smiling or laughing. You may have seen similar eyewear under such brand names as BrightHeadgear, AnderSonics, or Keane-Oculars, but don't be fooled by foreign imitations-insist on the genuine article, a quality product since 1972. Visit one of our eyeglass centers now and get a free turtle-skin eyeglass case. Nambu-Pamby. For the discriminating stoic.  
  
(Original title card comes back up)  
  
(Crawl at the bottom: VISIT OUR NEW LOCATION NEXT TO THE CINESHOWCASE)  
  
(Fade back to Ken at the booth. We see only him at the moment)  
  
KEN: OK, we're back. Joining us now for Katse's Klassics is the leader of the Galactor crime organization to offer us his unique views on foreign cinema. Welcome back (twitch) Berg Katse.  
  
(Camera pans back to reveal Katse sitting across from Ken. He (and at this point he is a he) wears his usual purple regalia, along with a white ascot tied at his throat and a black beret dangling precariously off of one pointed ear)  
  
KATSE: Thank you, Ken, nice to be here. As you can see, I'm dressed for Hollywood, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
KEN: (twitches again) Yes, OK. And there's my partner Joe Asakura over there at the counter.  
  
KATSE: Oh. (turns to where Joe is sitting off-camera. He and Ken both jump a bit in shock) Interesting gesture.  
  
KEN: Oh, that's just Sicilian for Hi.  
  
KATSE: That ain't what that means where I come from.  
  
KEN: So what've you got for us today, you...outrageously dressed...guy...you?  
  
KATSE: Ken, today I'd like to comment on the film The Crying Game. This commentary contains spoilers for this movie, so if you haven't seen it yet, you've been warned. OK, this film stars Stephen Rhea, but the actor I was really impressed with was Jaye Davidson, who spends most of the movie playing a woman but who is ultimately revealed to be a man. What fascinated me about Mr. Davidson is that he is, in fact, a genetically engineered hermaphroditic mutant.  
  
KEN: (starts a bit) What?  
  
KATSE: I was surprised too, Ken, but believe me, i know a mutant when I see one. I mean, how else could he pull off this role, unless he could be a man or a woman at will? You know, I was pretty shocked to find out there were two of us-I mean, I always thought Sosai only made me-  
  
KEN: Uh, Katse, I don't think-  
  
KATSE: So then I thought, What if Sosai's brought him in as a ringer? What if this Davidson guy's being trained to take over my job? There's only enough room on this planet for one monomaniacal mutant sadist, y'know.  
  
KEN: Katse, who's Sosai-  
  
KATSE: So I tried to get in touch with this guy, y'know, wrote him a few letters, let him know who's boss. His agent writes me back saying What the hell are you talking about, my client doesn't WANT to take over the world., leave him alone or I'll have your purple ass hauled to jail. Well, I mean, of COURSE that's what he's GONNA say, but I know somewhere in his underground headquarters complex he's building this huge bad-ass mecha-  
  
KEN: Uh, Katse, I hate to interrupt, but what about The Crying Game?  
  
KATSE: Oh-uh-it was pretty good but I liked better. Course now I also gotta keep an eye on Julie Andrews-  
  
KEN: (quickly, before Katse can start back up again) OK, looks like we're about out of time, Katse. What'll you be doing next month?  
  
KATSE: Oh-well, next month, Ken, I'll be deeply involved in the Black Hole Oper- uh, The Black Hole, a classic science fiction film from the 1970s.  
  
KEN: Sounds exciting.  
  
KATSE: (little smile) You better believe it, baby.   
  
KEN: That's all for today, folks. Join us next week, hopefully back at our studio, when we'll take another look at the latest in Hollyw...( stops, gets a horrified look on his face as he sees something over Katse's shoulder, and yells at the top of his voice-)   
  
KEN: JIN-I mean, G-4, _NO _!!  
  
(A blur of blue and yellow sweeps by as Jinpei, in Birdstyle, flies in from the side and knocks Katse from his booth seat and onto the floor. The camera falls over but continues to broadcast from its side. In the near distance we see Katse face-down on the floor. Jinpei is on his back, straddling his shoulders; he has grabbed Katse by the pointy ears and is gleefully banging the Galactor leader's head on the floor.)  
  
KATSE: Aaaaagh! Oooog! Not the face! Not the face!  
  
KEN: (struggling to get Jinpei off of Katse) Jin-I mean,G-4, godammit, the TV station's gonna kill me! Oof! Ouch!  
  
JOE: (offscreen) Atta boy, kiddo! Give im a kick in the head!  
  
(Jun runs in and tries to help Ken get control of the situation. They all end up in a tangle, Jinpei still taking vicious swipes at Katse. After a few moments Ryu, who seems to be right next to the camera, leans into the shot from the side, gives a friendly little smile and waves)  
  
RYU: That's it, folks! G'night!  
  
(Fade to KEN AND JOE AT THE MOVIES title card. More sounds of fighting, thumping, banging)  
  
KATSE: SOMEONE GET THIS F---ING KID OFFA ME!!  
  
(fade out)  
  
THE END  



End file.
